Tough Year!

I am amazed at the fact that nearly a year has passed since I wrote especially when most of the time I am aware of seemed to be crawling slowly. In February I got the flu and it hit me pretty hard. I was actually in bed for two weeks. I fought valiantly to keep myself hydrated and it was touch and go but I managed to stay away from the doc. I was up and around for 5 days but still pretty weak when I got food poisoning...that pushed me over the edge.

Noel was at work and my phone was on the nightstand so I wound up spending a whole day on the bathroom floor because I couldn't get back and forth fast enough due to my body violently erupting from both ends. I was back in bed by the time Noel got home pushing liquids again and frankly I had begun to consider seeing the doc in the morning if I didn't feel better.

I woke up later that night at 12:30AM with pain in my chest and arm. I woke Noel and told him to call 911 I was having a heart attack. I just lay there willing myself to remain present until the medical people arrived. It didn't take long. Two members of the volunteer Fire Department live less than a quarter mile from me. They beat the ambulance by 15 minutes. They put me on a stretcher, loaded me into the ambulance and the last thing I saw was Noel's worried face as they closed the ambulance doors and I could finally let myself go away.

The next things I remembered were brief moments in the ER, the hospital room, and cloudy awareness of having tests done to me. After two days I was fully present again and they sent me a tray of food that was not correct for my nutritional needs and it was like poison to me! I was ill again within an hour and so weak that I couldn't do anything for myself. The nurses just had to keep changing my bedding and washing me up. Then I was no longer present again.

The docs were confused and unsure if I was having a heart attack again. I was transferred via ambulance to Dallas Presbyterian Hospital for a heart catherazation test. Two more days and I was released to go home. The final diagnosis was my heart had stopped beating because of electrolyte imbalance due to dehydration. I spent the next four weeks in bed or laying on the couch. No stamina to do more than tiny activities and then only one or two in a row without resting. My fibromyalgia had gotten a real hold of me because of the inactivity and I was in significant pain 24/7.

I would have to plan days ahead for any activity that required stamina. Church on Sunday meant no activity on Saturday and resting up on Monday. I could do things for about two hours a day and that was it. I tried to parcel out the activity and get as much bang for my buck so to speak as I could but the real problem was that I became aware that cognitively I was not functioning as I had been.

I could not remember things that were new. I had been doing online college working toward becoming a High School Biology teacher since Fall 2008. I couldn't do the work any longer. I couldn't read the instructions and understand them. They were just words that had no collective message for me. I became depressed and after two more months I went to the doc and asked for help to fix me.

Fibromyalgia medcications are making an appearance on the market and my doc prescribed Cymbalta for me. He warned about the side effects and I was determined that I would take the meds for six weeks and give it a fair shot. After three days the fibromyalgia pain had diminished greatly and so I was encouraged to stick it out until my body got used to the medication even though I felt very unwell I was nearly pain free and grateful for that!

The next six weeks are a blur I couldn't remember things...even to eat. I would lose large chunks of time. I was extremely dizzy and even fell down a few times because of it. I couldn't drive or shop. At church Noel would have to hold on to me to keep me from falling down and making a scene. He sat with me in my Primary class so I could continue teaching my kiddos. Fortunately he is a teacher and it was summer now and he was home to care for me during the worst of it.

At week five I realized there were questions I wanted to ask the doctor about and knew I would never be able to remember them. I got a little spiral pad and pen and put them in the pocket of my robe so that when I thought of something I could write it down. After a day and a half of writing down the things I thought I needed to make him aware of I became afraid I was dying. The cognitive issues with my brain were not allowing me to hold more than two or three things in my mind at a time. And I didn't realize that I was suffering from ALL of the side effects the medication listed on it's warning label and that they were not getting better even after the six weeks!

I saw the doc the next day and he looked at my list and told me to stop taking the medication immediately. He was so concerned that he didn't even move me down on the dose like would normally be done. He prescribed me another one to start immediately and he said my symptoms should go away with the new medication. But that the Cymbalta was making things worse even though it relieved the fibromyalgia pain.

It took me two days to get the script filled and I took no medication for those days. On the morning of the third day I felt better. Still no fibro pain and no dizziness and I just felt better. I started the new medication on the forth day and was ill again by the sixth day. I threw all the pills in the garbage and determined to find out what I really felt like without any prescription side effects.

The good news is I have decided that I am happier without any medication. The bad news is the fibromyalgia pain has returned and I also believe that I had a stroke during the whole thing that has permanently effected my cognitive abilities. The other aspects of the disease are there as well but they are manageable with diet and exercise, for the most part. I had to quit school and I will not be able to become an accredited teacher and that makes me sad. I have tried substitute teaching and found I am not capable of doing that either. Physically and mentally I am without the necessary equipment.

I have come to the realization that I am no longer invincible...and it sucks a bit. Just so you don't think I am feeling sorry for myself or that I have given up on myself...I have many things that I can still do and they nearly all have to do with God and family and that isn't so bad. So I will do my best to go gracefully into this new chapter of my life...stay tuned for further updates.

Holiday Reflections

The speed that time flies through the holidays makes the idea of a science fiction time warp something worth considering. When I realized I hadn't posted for over two months I was amazed. I started listing in my mind the things that had transpired in my world and I was doubly saddened as I realized several things worth speaking of had gone into the night without a mention. So since this blog is The Way I See It, I'll try to show you what my holidays are like.

Mine is a blended family of seven children established when they were teenagers in 1990. In self defense, I found ways of making the traditions of both families work right off the bat. Also as time passed, I also tried to be considerate of the choices my adult children made as they married and began to establish family traditions of their own, which had to be blended with still another family of outlaws (oh pardon me!) in-laws.

Thanksgiving was always about the feast of the Dead Bird, and my family always invited everyone to come. I didn't change that in my new family, I just doubled my recipes and invited everyone to bring their favorite dishes and a guest if they desired. We always have had a houseful, including new faces so that was just more of the same.

The new thing I realized during conversation that day was Christmas morning was not going to be as it had always been. One child would be with this ex-spouse, one child with that ex-spouse, this child wanted to bring their boyfriend, who was a foreign exchange student without family, that child had been invited to their girlfriends house, one wanted to bring this friend, and on it went. So I improvised.

I got a tablet and wrote down all the names of all the people that would be in town for Christmas. I included all boyfriends, girlfriends, aunts, uncles, spouses, grandparents, fiances, etc. Then I put the names in a bowl and we passed it around drawing names for a gift exchange. The rule was that you could only provide one gift for Christmas for the person whose name you drew and it had to be handmade or less than $20 if purchased. The goal was to get them to think about the other person and encourage bonding, and caring.

Everyone would have their Christmas morning with whatever natal family they chose and then would gather for a cold sandwich buffet and gift exchange, at our home, at two in the afternoon. The family was excited about only having to provide for one member as we were many in number, not wealthy and all the kids were in school or college.

Many phone calls, shopping trips, projects and secrets later our first blended family Christmas came off without a hitch. It not only worked but fun was had by all and the tradition has stuck. Over the years, I have found hidden benefits in this new tradition. I don't have to spend the day cooking. Paper plates make cleanup a snap. The kids all bring their best toys with them to show and so everyone gets to play with tons of new stuff. The jokes and play that the homemade gifts encourage are some of the priceless memories our family shares.

And lastly, as the years have passed and my family has gotten spread across the country and the grandchildren have come and our busy lives get in the way. I know that between Thanksgiving and Christmas my family is having happy thoughts of one another, making phone calls, shopping trips, projects and secrets that make our holidays so wonderful.